Start with "hi".

I previously refered to this article from the Globe and Mail about a study that found that most kids with intellectual disabilities have NO friends whatsoever.  That's right, not one friend.  It is appalling but sadly not surprising if you've spent any time around the intellectual disability community.

It can be really hard for someone with an intellectual disability to make friends, especially if he or she doesn't communicate with words, or has difficulty communicating with words.  Ironically, it is precisely people with intellectual disabilities who really, really belong in friendships: not only do people with intellectual disabilities tend to rely on others to get through life more than a typical person, but time after time you will hear, or learn for yourself, that a lot of persons who have an intellectual disability are incredible friends.  Judith Snow wrote about the giftedness of a man named Peter who fostered a strong sense of community for so many people in his west end Toronto neighbourhood.  In an age where we seem to worship individuality and independence, people like Peter remind us time and again that the beauty of humanity is our interdependence, our ability to love one another, to trust and be trusted. 

Philosopher and humanitarian Jean Vanier observed this gift and has dedicated his life to L'Arche, now a worldwide community celebrating the lives of our brothers and sisters living with an intellectual disability.  A local L'Arche community is made up of core community members (adults who have an intellectual disability) and assistants. The core community members and assistants live communally in one or more homes in an area and often enjoy the informal involvement of many other neighbours.  I really encourage you to take a look at the L'Arche website, and if you want to learn more, I would refer you to Jean Vanier's beautiful book "Becoming Human".

Now for most of us, especially those of us who already have our own families to raise, moving into a L'Arche community is probably not an option,  however, there are still so many ways to become involved in the life of a person who has an intellectual disability.  In Canada, Community Living associations exist provincially and within each city.  They exist to provide support services to individuals with intellectual disabilities.  You can contact your local Community Living agency and volunteer to be paired with an adult in your area.  As a volunteer you commit to building a friendship with your assigned partner based on  your mutual interests. You can find a list of all of the local Community Living associations within Ontario here.

If you are out and about much in your neighbourhood you probably have seen at least one person from time to time who you recognize as probably having an intellectual disability. I really encourage you to just say "hi" the next time that your paths cross.  Start a conversation the time after that.  Be a friendly face instead of just another stranger.  I love this initiative by Community Living British Columbia: startwithhi.ca  . 

If your child has a classmate who has an intellectual disability, why not invite the child and her parents over for a playdate?  Especially if the kids aren't friends yet!  You can be a great role model for your own child in this regard. 

Your child, or you for that matter, might feel nervous around your potential new friend: encourage your child to express their concerns with respect for the other person's dignity.  For example, my kids were a bit uncomfortable around a boy we know because he can not control his salivating.  We talked about the muscles in our faces and how we usually control our saliva and why this was difficult for our friend.  His mom and I assured the kids that someone can wipe his chin whenever he starts to salivate too much, and that my kids can just wash their hands if they get some saliva on them.  As trivial as this sounds, it was a big deal to two of my kids and once we talked about it their comfort and enjoyment of their new friend increased greatly.   Again, I think it's really important for our kids to address their discomfort with differences (not to be made to feel ashamed for mentioning it) and to deal with it matter of factly and always with respect and dignity.  Shame or a fear of asking questions will only lead to avoidance! 

Hopefully, there is at least one person who comes to mind as you read this post.  I trust that we are all meant to be living the lives that we live, in the time and place that we are in.  This person you are thinking of is meant to be who he or she is too.

You are both fearfully and wonderfully made by our Heavenly Father.

 I believe that God has placed this person in your heart for a purpose.  God has given you both the wonderful opportunity to befriend each other.  Who knows you might just be lucky enough to make a friend for life.

God bless you!

love,
Jen